When my son was born and I was in transition of leaving his dad for good I knew that one day I would have to face my son and tell him about his dad on why things ended the way they did , I mean he knows but he doesn’t really understand per say . I figured when he is of mature age it would be the rite time but he was only a couple months old and I said to myself I’ll deal with it when the time comes and the timing is all wrong right now cause my life has shifted into so many directions that I thought by the time he reaches about 10 I would have my shit together he has reached the age of 9 and his questions about life have grown more and more that I found myself so hard to even tell him and break his heart cause I really don’t have an answer cause I have no control of , his most asked question was always can I have a Dog when we move out ?
Mom can I have a phone when I turn 10? yes of course
Mom how come you your not married to dad any more ?
Mom when Can I have a Dad?
Mom How come my sister doesn’t live here anymore ?
Mom when can we be a family and take pictures with my new dad ?
Mom how come you don’t have a boyfriend ?
Mom are you going to get married and give me a baby brother or sister ?
The last six questions have been the most frequent asked at least a couple times a week , while having knots in my throat these are all questions that I can not answer because well I have no control of and it saddens me deeply that even my son gives me so much pressure with what I am supposed to have already by now yes I did imagine myself already in a serious committed relationship by the time he has reached this age but in my defense I have come across these men in my past that did nothing but take advantage of my kindness and my feelings maybe one of them was a total loss of my time but the very special one just let me go that easy with out a care in the world and I think his heart was made out of cactus cause he never really showed any sad emotions or feelings when he saw me break down crying for him , I do tell my son that he does have a dad but just that he is working on making himself be a better person and he understands but he doesn’t , I tell my son that maybe some day if I get married again perhaps I might give him a baby brother or a baby sister and that he needs to practice with a puppy , I think I can push out one more kid I am really having baby fever its been an itch for a few now , I told him that for christmas we will take family pictures for sure I promise ,writing this is very hard because I had always imagined my life with the white picket fence but instead it has been nothing but thorns in my heart , I only hope and pray that my son will never turn out like his dad nor like any of the men in my life who have done nothing but hurt me intentionally , I do believe in Karma , then I get to thinking what did I do in my life to deserve this? Maybe I am getting my Karma or did someone wish bad upon me so bad that I will forever be alone ?
I see people already settling down and Im still on the same road as per usual , working my ass off getting my goals met doing what I love and taking it one day at a time , I know god is really working on me and he will find me that perfect someone that when he gets here all this pain will go away and will makeup for all the sad times spent , I pray everyday for peace and love a roof over us , a full tank of gas but I also pray for the lessons learned .
I know my son will grow up to be a great man one day I am really preping him for her she is going to be the luckiest one ever because my son was raised in the arms of a Queen and that be me . By the time my son reaches an age of 13 I hope I really have my shit together cause this is ridiculous I feel like I am lagging it big time even my mother is already tired of me just working and not paying attention to my needs :/
My son continues to be man with so many questions about life and I only hope that one day he understands why I made the hard choices , not to hurt him in any way but to protect him from harm and from continuos heart break I couldn’t bare another lie another broken promise from the other end at least not on my count , we as parents have to put ourselves last a lot of the times but in the myths of raising this little person I have balanced to put myself first sometimes , I am grateful that I have raised a wonderful child and that every birthday party has been possible not one year has passed by with No cake and presents
And She loved a little boy very much , even more than she loved herself
Happy Birthday to my Son 9 yrs young I never thought this day would come soon he will want to ask for money to go to the movies with his friends , probably have crushes on so many girls , still be into pokemon trading cards but never ever will he stop holding my hand and give me big hugs why ? because he promised he would <3