As soon as my son was born I knew things were not going to work out between me and my son’s father we were both in two different worlds my mind set was to think about the better future of my kids and his mind set was do I have enough weed for today sad but true he lived a YOLO moment through out the course of our relationship , I am sitting here worried in this recovery bed wondering if I will have enough money for formula and diapers ..
The first weeks of my sons arrival I did nothing but just stare at him and think how am I going to make it he deserve’s all the love in the world of two parents , everything about him was perfect he was perfectly made and I carried him for 9 months and gave up so many things just for the sake of having a healthy boy it paid off …..ok so now fast forward a couple yrs later he was about 4 or 5 when he began asking so many questions about his dad and me I am 100% positive that when he would visit his dad on the weekends he washed his brain with so many things , he asked me when I drying him up after his bath cause that’s when he likes to talk one on one with me “MOMMY MY ARE YOU NOT WITH MY DAD? HOW COME WE ARE NOT A FAMILY? all the other boys and girls in my class have a mom and a dad , he threw me off with the How come we are not a family ….Well Papi your daddy has a lot of work to do on himself and he broke a lot of promises to mommy and mommy deserves to be happy and I am so happy that I get to spend more time with you !!.
Keep in mind kids are not stupid they are smarter than you think that didn’t really fly with him , I had to hold back my tears because all this time I was trying to prepare myself for this and when it came down to it I didn’t know what to say I said the best I could with out breaking his little big heart and right there in there is when I realized my son deserves to have a father that is with him too but his dad wasn’t even half of that , I hate myself sometimes for ever being with his dad for 15 yrs that’s 15 yrs of my life that I will never get back but there is no use in sobbing over something that could not be fixed no matter how many times we tried and all I could say id that I am trying to fix this , the emptiness that he has I want to fill it with so much love and joy and the fact that I have the advantage of raising him completely into the man that he needs to be and I pray every day that I hope he doesn’t pick up the same traits as his father , that day when my son hit me with this hard question I told him that I love him so much and I that I will never let anyone hurt him and that I will always be there for him …
As a parent we try to keep things from our kids just so that we can avoid pain and disappointment but there are some things that we need to be brutally honest with our kids cause remember they are going to leave us one day to be adults and make adult decisions and start a family and trust me our kids like to test us big time
I am confident that my little boy will be raised to be understanding and confident and not let the separation of his parents determined his future because in no way shape or form I wanted to hurt him or take his father away from him because he’s there just not 100% as he should , I have been blessed with my brother and my father to guid him and to treat him right from wrong …
“Anyone can have a child and call themselves “a parent”. A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants.
Thank you for reading another entry of The Mommy Diaries from one parent to another raising a child did not come with instructions but if you tell your kids that you love them everyday and if they are mad at you for any reason it’s because you are doing something right..